Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
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I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
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I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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