Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
