dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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