he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
