I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
