it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
