I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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