dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
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You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
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You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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