my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
