His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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