Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Randomize
