what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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