Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
