got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
