i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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