I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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