that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
