The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
