so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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