Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
