good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
