Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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