I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
