When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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