Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
