I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
