$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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