If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
