please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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