She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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