Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
