I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You made out with two different species that night
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
