just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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