Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
