does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
