Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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