please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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