Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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