i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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