she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
