whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
