Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
