I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
There's always time for handjobs
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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