They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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