Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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