Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
