If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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