Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
