: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
