I wish my penis had an off switch
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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