Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
