I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
