you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
