I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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