Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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