I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
