my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
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